Eh! Well No. That’s the stereotype. But let’s just go with the stereotype for the sake of this answer. Here’s a guide that will make you an Indian dating pro, developed by a very famous dating guru who has dated loadsa guys (That’s me, if that wasn’t clear already, and 2 guys to be exact. Hey! That’s way too many for an Indian girl bruh! Because stereotypes).
“INDIAN DATING GUIDE 101″
-By Nonki Tomodachi
Chapter 1 – DON’T APPROACH THE LADY. TAKE IT STEADY.
Yes. Don’t approach her. Just don’t do it. Instead, stalk her. That’s right. Follow her everywhere. EVERYWHERE! She’ll notice you. Might ask you not to, but don’t worry, that just means she is falling for you. You’re on the right track.
Chapter 2 – THE ‘L’ WORD IS NOT RIGHT. ‘M’ IS OBVIOUS, DIDN’T YOU REALIZE?
After months of stalking and ‘unintended’ harassment, now is the time to drop the ‘M’ bomb. What did you say? You wanna say you like her? What are you, American? This is India, okay! You don’t say you ‘Like’ her, you go for Marriage! That’s right! That’s how you ask a girl out! You ask her to marry you! Because Liking and Loving someone is against our Sanskaar. You got that? Good.
Chapter 3 – PLAY HIDE AND SEEK. NOT WITH HER, WITH YOUR PARENTS, YOU FREAK!
Golden rule of Indian dating – NEVER LET YOUR PARENTS FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE DATING. NEVER! For your parents, you’re always single. You in high school? Single. You in college? Single. You going out with people? Single. You married? Single. You got kids? Single. You dead? Well, they’ll probably die before you, so.. ANYWAY! The point is, you be the singlest child in this entire universe for your parents. What if you don’t? Well.. they got brooms and sticks and stuff no?
Chapter 4 – WHERE SHOULD YOU TAKE HER OUT FOR A DATE, IT’S NOT AN EASY CHOICE TO MAKE.
Choosing a date place might seem easy to you, but this is India! You can’t just go out with the opposite sex wherever you want, DUH! What if your parents see you? Remember Chapter 3? Don’t go to a park because Indian police officers will grab you for money, even if you two are sitting at one arm distance. Don’t take her to a restaurant, because people. Don’t go anywhere near your residence, because neighbors. Go for a movie, a movie you know nobody will watch. Why? Because it’s dark and the chances of running into someone you know is pretty less.
Chapter 5 – STAY DOOR DOOR TILL YOU USE SINDOOR.
That’s right. No touching. You stay a virgin until you’re married. May be even after that. Indians don’t do sex, because it’s shame shame! What do we do to have babies? Pooja! Bhagwan ji gives them to us. We have thousands of bhagwan ji here, no wonder we rank 2nd in world population.
Chapter 6 – YOU WANT SHAADI BECAUSE SHE IS BECOMING A DAADI.
After an year of Indian Dating, the dreadful happens. SHE… TURNS… 20!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUN-DUN-DUNNN! She’s running out of time so you have to get married now. But that’s not easy. Oh No. Because you didn’t plan it properly. Is she the same caste as you? Is she the same religion? Is she younger than you? Is she ready to be a housewife? Is she fair and lovely? Is she ready to give dowry? If any of the answer is No, give up. Because parents. Remember brooms and sticks? That’ll happen. So bye-bye lover! Even if you answer Yes for everything, you might have to say bye-bye lover, because parents! India me shadi se pehle pyar bhi shame shame hai.
Dating in India is harder than clearing UPSC ka exam. Beta, tumse na ho payega.